Cha

I lost another family member on thursday, 19th december 2013.  Cha was quite week the week before.  Her condition became worse each day. She barely eats anything.

Cha was a very soft type. She wasn't the kind who would jump up out of a sudden, she never involved in any fights. She would always come whenever I called her. Despite all of her softness, she fell from the balcony twice, and she never scratches her paws causing her nails to grow long and needs to be trimmed by the doctor. 

We always want the best for our love ones. Be it human or pets. Problem is,  we don't know what's the best for them. When I knew Cha was sick, I do not know if sending her to the clinic was a good option. I've lost two cats before. Both died at the clinic. I'm not blaming the clinic or anything like that. But I know that with their age, soon it's about time to let go. Seeing them stuck with the iv makes me sad. I know they'll be stressed out; sick and being in unfamiliar place. I let Cha be in the environment that she's used to - at home together with the rest of her family.

I felt guilty each day as I walked up the stairs to my apartment - not knowing whether I'd see her alive or not.  It was after maghrib that day, I went out of my room and I saw her with quite heavy breath. I knew it's about time. I held my tears as I told her how much we all love her. I didn't cried, not until the next day - and now, while I'm writing this.

I know I've done the best I could and I'm sure she had good life. She will always be remembered.

That's how she always held her hands..

Hold On

Hold On - Sarah McLachlan

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
Now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell 

Telepon bijak - part 2

i utang a post on 'telepon bijak-part 2'.  Coincidentally, this situation seems to fit the title.

My car was 'kissed' by another car last friday.  Luckily it was just the plate number.  I was calmed, no shouting or cursing involved, just some accusation that she was using her phone while driving - and it turned out to be true.  The front part of her car was badly damaged.  It must have cost her a lot to repair those.  I changed the plate number the next day and sent her the receipt via whatsapp.  She promised to pay me when she came back from outstation - and she did yesterday. 


Years back, di zaman2 mula kerja; i had a colleague yang selalu tolong orang kat hiway.  He said that dia hope satu hari nanti if anything happened to him atas jalan maka ada yang akan tolong dia.  I remembered that until today.  Whenever i saw nails on the road, i would always pick and throw them far away.  Of course i don't want it to punch my tyre, but i also hope that it won't punch anyone else's car.


So that day, i said to myself that i'm not gonna be hard on her.  One day, it might happen to me, and i don't want anyone to be shouting at me. 


We (PK and me) use phone all the time while driving.  Tengok pesbuk, instagram, youtube bagai.  I still think that the best time to talk over the phone is while driving.  Cuma masalahnya, i never use handsfree.  The moment i open the box bila beli handphone baru, my eyes would always be glued on the phone, not the accessories; hence the reason why they were always tossed away together with the box in some drawer or under the bed.  Nowadays, with PK's increasing time of sleeping time in the car, i'm often left with half eyes open while driving.  Singing is a good way to kill that sleepy mode.  Tapi kan, lama mana sangat la kita  boleh nyanyi sorang2.  Lain la kalau ada orang tepuk tangan lepas setiap kali kita habis nyanyi.  Bersemangat la sikit kan.  Anyway, googling and reading statuses are absolutely good to wake you up.  Macam2 orang post kat pesbuk, and waktu tu jugak la u think is the best time to tengok.  Kat rumah idak le pulak nak belek sangat benda2 tu, maklum la ... kat rumah kan banyak lagi urusan rumahtangga which needs our attention.  Anak2 buat sepah, nak sapu mop lantai segala.  Mana sempat nak belek2 status bagai.  Oh btw, a friend asked me before how i spend my 'lonely' nights (she put it that way, not me!) - tak kan tengok pesbuk je?  I have tempted to say these : First, my nights aren't 'lonely'.  I got tired clearing and cleaning the house that by the time i finish, i can barely open my eyes anymore.  So i don't have time to feel lonely.  Second, pesbuk isn't my favorite way to kill my time.  I have wayyy more interesting things to do.  But, since she's in errr... quite unstable state of mind, maka i decided to just ignore and told her that it is not a bad situation at all being alone.  I don't know if i can convince her.


Anyway, the lady told me that it was also her heels that caused the minor accident.  Kesimpulannya, do not pegang phone, or do not pakai heels, or do not eat, drink, sing, talk or anything that can distract you if you are the type yang kena ada full concentration semasa driving.


Sekian :)

Telepon bijak ...part 1

There are so many reasons to be grateful about having a telefon bijak.  One situation is just like what I'm in right now.

I'm stuck in perkampungan jagung; looking at the screens for the 2nd day now. With no refreshments (...haha...logik ke diorang bg refreshments? ) & no Internet access. My data package sucks here. Gila boring.  We're looking at the same data again and again. I even hv them downloaded to my thumb drive. What else can be done?

Now... if only I brought newspaper to read. Boleh le jugak menambah ilmu pengetahuan.  If only I brought my netbook.  Boleh le jugak tengok series movie segala.  Habis bosan pun boleh main solitaire!  Nasib baik ada telepon bijak, bleh jugak belek pesbuk.  I even add the statistic to the youtube viewer of this young lady; kanak2 sekolah sebenarnya... who uploaded a video to dedicate anniversary wish to her 1week old boyfriend.  I nak komen banyak2 pun kang nanti ada orang kata..."u xde bf, apa yg u tau.." ohh well, good luck to her!  I hope she won't regret her actions bila dia tengok balik video tu 10 years later.

Apart from her immature action tu, I think she has good values. She speaks well. Read somewhere that dia ni wakil pidato.  No wonder pandai bercakap, takde pun gagap2.  kalau i yang cakap tu harus berterabur. She'll be a good politician one day if she chooses to be one. Janji2 dah pandai buat dah. That's what it takes to be a good politician kan?  She's also creative. I wouldn't even think or dream to make a video for anyone. Ho lah..bukan nak ucap happy anniversary je, ucap happy birthday ke, selamat berpuasa ke.  Habis creative pun agaknya I buat kad birthday sendiri. Itu pun kena pinjam crayon dari PK; sapa lagi kalau bukan artis k-pop kecik tu punya.

Oohhhh... I just saw emnasir lalu!  Hmmm...anyway, getting back to the issue tadi; I believe that cuma perempuan yang akan buat benda2 cenggitu.  I don't think lelaki akan buat video bagai. They are born to manipulate. Perempuan (not all) tend to be less rational, hence senang dimanipulate oleh lelaki.  I'm saying this not to condemn my own species; maybe it's in the genes. No matter how you avoid, at one point it will happen. Jadi la bijak macamana pun, everyone ada jugak tahap tak bijak dia. Just like telepon bijak, at some point sebijak mana sekalipun it was semasa zaman glory dia, when new technology comes, maka idak le dia bijak mana pun...

Oh well...I have to sambung this again.  This is so not finished yet...haha!

*note : Posted after about 2 weeks duduk dalam draft!

Sunset

 

 ...even without the signs, I feel lucky enough to be able to enjoy the beauty...

hidup penuh ketakutan

I should've updated this lonnnggg time ago.  But the frustration of the situation keeps holding me back.  Alasan!


One morning, just days after AJ's death, I got a letter from my neighbors.  It was inserted to my car wiper. Whoever wrote the letter told me not to feed the stray cats at the parking space anymore.  They/he/she said that the food had attracted not only cats but ants, squirrels and birds.  And, not only those tiny animals; they fear that it'll also attract snake.  They said that the cats are leaving their poops outside their doors. The same night, an indonesian maid of one of my neighbors knocked my door and started crying telling me that she is not allowed to feed the cats anymore.  She's been feeding the cats with leftover foods.  I was hurt from the letter i got that morning, and now i have to comfort her uncontrollably sobbing.  She left after few minutes.  I promised to always put some cats' food in my letter box so that she could just grab and give it to cats whenever she could.  Just after she left, one of the security guard came and hand me a memo which i had to sign and return a copy.  It was really too much for me to handle in a day.  I cried hysterically.


Somehow whatever happened that day had changed me.  It had altered not only my daily routine; but it had caused a negative shift of  my view towards those people. I am in constant fear all the time.

1.   Everyday I woke up just before 5 am and tip toed downstairs to find the cats.  I was informed by the maid that the guard's routine walk is at 5; so to avoid them, now i wake up at 4am.  I'd look down to make sure that the area is clear before i start my mission.  The cats now know the routine, so they'll be alert when they hear my footsteps.  Sometimes i had to turn my way around when suddenly a car passes by; or the indian car washer is around.  I had to climb up the stairs and wait for a while before going down again.

2.  It was really painful at first to ignore the cats when they came running to car whenever i came back.  I had to turn my face away and started walking as fast as i could so that no one can see me with the cats.  Now, they are starting to understand.  They won't come near the car when i started the engine in the morning.  Perhaps they are already full by the 4am food. Lately, the schedule changed.  They keep running to car again!

3.  I'd turn off the aircond and radio before i reach my parking in order to avoid the noise.  I hope the cats wouldn't notice the sound of my car approaching the parking.  I'd make sure that i reach house when it's already dark.  As my car approaches the place, i'd make sure which house has the lights turned on so that there's no head popping out out the windows.  Ye...bunyi macam pompuan psycho kan.

4.  I always have something in the car to pretend that i have to walk to the rumah sampah or basically a place where we dump all our rubbish.  At the back of the tong sampah is where i feed the cats.  I came back one day and saw the maintenance guy at the place.  I pretended to walk upstairs, ignoring the cats.  When i looked down to the place from my room, i saw something protruding from the bumbung of the place.  I still haven't figured out if it's a cctv or a downlight.  But, i try to avoid walking underneath it; just in case.  I do not want them to caught me if it's a cctv.  Anyway, PK confirmed that it's not.  And i don't feed them over there anymore.  There's a new place introduced by the maid.

5.  I hate my neighbours more than ever.  They are all "Cha" - so secara tak langsung; they've turned me into a racist.  Lantak la.  I even cursed that they'll all burn in neraka forever, hope that they'll all soon die of heart attack, ada ular datang patuk and all kind of weird things.  Indirectly jugak; it had caused me to think very carefully who to vote in the GE.  Masalahnya  all the candidates are either Cha or In.  Well, dah menang dah pun. 


It's not a very comforting situation.  I hate the whole situation. Sentiasa kena berjaga2 -  i have no freedom.  It's my money that i use to feed the cats; not theirs.  These FCs issue has been bothering me for months now.  Now with my brother not in KL i have another problem to take care of; i have no one to leave my FCs to.  Meaning no more holidaying for me.  Sangat tak suka okay...!

Harus Terpisah

Cakra Khan – Harus Terpisah

Sendiri, sendiri ku diam, diam dan merenung
Merenungkan jalan yang kan membawaku pergi
Pergi tuk menjauh, menjauh darimu
Darimu yang mulai berhenti
Berhenti mencoba, mencoba bertahan
Bertahan untuk terus bersamaku

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali
Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Bayangkan.. bayangkan ku hilang, hilang tak kembali
Kembali untuk mempertanyakan lagi cinta
Cintamu yang mungkin, mungkin tak berarti
Berarti untuk ku rindukan

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali
Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Ini harusnya kita coba saling melupakan
Lupakan, lupakan kita pernah saling bersama

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali
Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

AJ

Life is full of colors.  Just when u think the color suits you, then came a paint splash out of nowhere.  Then only u realise that whatever color u have before seems different.   The splash could enhance the original color and make it interesting.  It could also make it seems dull or ruin the whole thing.


It's been a week since AJ passed away last Wednesday - 20th March 2013.  It was unexpected as she was not very sick, just a little bit inactive.  It was never easy for me to accept the fact that they had leave me.  It felt like a sharp, strong stab to the heart.  Yes, my distress-curve should've been on the lower side since this is not the first time; but no, it's not.  It is still the same.  And i wonder myself if it will ever change.


I kept wondering if whatever i have given to them so far is enough.  If whatever love i had for them is felt.  I wonder if they know how much i love them.  I wonder if they knew that even if i'm not their original owner, i do treat them as mine.  There are so many things that i hope they would understand.  I hope they would understand that i could never trade them for anything.  That i would never hesitate to let go of anything if a choice had to be made.  I wish there's a way for me to know the answers.  For them to let me know that i've done the right thing and that it's okay for me to let them go when the time comes.  I wish...


For AJ : I hope you've had a good life.  I hope i've given enough of everything.  Do pray for me.  Loves.

the not-so-clever moment

There are days when u feel extremely 'lack of intelligence'.  Today is one for me.


I started my saturday routine a little bit early today knowing there are few things in the 'to-do list' for today and tomorrow.  I rushed to my apartment (ye...saya belum pindah lagi) to feed the FCs at my parking lot, went to the usual mamak for a quick breakfast, grabbed a newspaper and drove to the service center to have my car serviced.  After waiting for about 5 minutes, i was told that they don't have the slot for my car (sapa suruh tak buat appoinment).  I drove my car, not knowing where or what to do next.  I thought of paying a quick visit to ikea to get those small wheels for my bar table but changed my mind - knowing that a visit to ikea won't be a brief one, and there's supposed to be an appointment with the customer service of my oven manufacturer - though i have no slightest idea when they'll come.  I shall not risk the possibility of not being available at home after the difficulties i've gone through to get my line connected to a human being instead of the annoying answering machine of the service centre.  To be on the safe side, i decided to go back to my apartment - settled the maintenance fee, bla, bla...and got a new, as usual - unpleasant looking car sticker.


I went into my house, trying to make use of the waiting hours by tidying the place and doing my laundry.  I searched for the tv remote and tried to switched the television on.  It didn't work and I have to do it manually.  I looked everywhere for extra batteries.  I always have them spared at home for alarm clock and remotes - tv, astro, fans, air-cond etc.  So anyway, i changed the batteries hoping that the remote will work.  No, it didn't.  Ohh...must be the plastic cover of the remote.  I removed the cover and tried again - it still didn't work.  I spent rest of the hours doing my cleaning, ignoring the faulty remote.  It was already almost 3pm when i decided to have a break.  I have given up waiting for the customer service to come by that time.  I took the remote and tried to change channel.  I was starting to be annoyed with the remote.  I changed for another set of batteries, knocked the remote hard on my palm, pressed every single button but to no avail.  That's it.  I'm tired of trying.  I was thinking hard what to do next.  Shall i bring the remote to the shop?  Or just buy a new one?  Where can i buy the same remote?  Shall i ask the customer service?  Just the thought of the idea made me sick ... i hate to have anymore thing to do with customer service.


I opened the battery compartment again.  Final attempt - i thought.  I pulled the battery out one after another, checking the position.  And it worked!  The second battery was put on the opposite position!


Sangat sengal kan...