Finally, i've finished watching 'eat pray love' last week although dah berzaman i donlod citer tu. What triggered me to watch the movie is an article i saw in the newspaper. That article got nothing to do about the movie but there was a photo of JuliaRobert at Bali and the writer pun cerita bukan main baik lagi pasal Bali...maka akak ni pun bukan main la lagi tergedik nak tengok citer tu. It's a nice story. A true story about the writer who travelled to Italy and spent her time eating, she went to India to find her spirituality and she found her love in Bali. The sceneries are beautiful, especially the ones at Bali. If only i can have a life as simple and live in a such beautiful place.
But life ain't always beautiful. The roads are sometimes bumpy. We don't know what's waiting around the corner. I always remind myself to be prepared for the worst in anything i do. Contohnya, don't be frustrated gila2 kalau masak and orang tak lalu nak makan (doesn't apply to me though!), jangan harap semua orang akan tepati janji or don't be extra nice to strangers, jangan berhentikan kereta walaupun dia terbaring terlentang tengah jalan sekalipun (i heard this from the radio!), you might end up being poorer or kalau nasib tak baik hilang kepala sekali.
There are many, many unexpected things in our life. One day, when i was in form 3, ada la sorang kawan ni.. all of a sudden dia marah2 saying that i'm not as soft as she thinks i am. I was stunned. Dia kata i berlakon, macam lembut tapi sebenarnya tak. I didn't know what to say. I was clueless. Tak paham langsung kenapa topik tu boleh keluar. Now, after 23 years i can still remember that moment walaupun sampai sekarang i masih tak faham kenapa dia marah2 but, whatever she said leaves a very significant impact to me until today. Now, I hate it so much bila orang kata i ni lemah lembut. I'd just say "u belum kenal i lagi". I've learned my lesson; jangan bagi orang expect lebih2. There's no way u can please everyone. I was being myself at that time. I never thought myself as a soft spoken person, i never pretended to be anyone else; i was being me. If a person interpreted me to be A, tapi i sebenarnya B; salah siapa? Why do i get the blame for not being A padahal u sendiri yang pandai2 assume i ni A. Anyway, she stopped talking to me for a few months. Another close friend also stopped talking to me one day. I might have done or say something to her. I remember that moment clearly; i offered her my orange sebab memang i tak suka makan buah dari dulu, she declined the offer without saying a word. She was my closest friend at that time. We used to go to prep together every night. Our friendship turned sour after that. It was not until i worked at Perak that she texted me. I didn't ask what happened before; don't know how to. I can never know what happened because she passed away after about a year after she contacted me. Whatever i did, i hope she forgave me. Those are only two. I'm sure i've hurt many others. There's another one who also decided to stop being friends with me when i was in form 5. She came to visit my friends and me when i was at uni, but i realised that she can't even look at my eyes. I've decided not to be friends with her on pesbuk. Apalah gunanya pun? This is not anger nor revenge. Friends on pesbuk are not real friends anyway.
See? I'm not a good person. I've done lots of mistakes. I've hurt so many people. No matter how much i reminded myself, it happened...must've been in my genes. Although i've never had any serious resolutions before, tak kira la new year ke birthday ke; but deep inside i've never failed to hope that i'll be a better person. Each year i hope that i'll never do or say anything that'll hurt anyone's feeling. I know i've failed over, and over again and i know it's gonna happen again and again... Although constant reminders of my behavior can destroy my self esteem yang tak seberapa ni, but i do hope to be reminded always. I've tried to ignore my own feelings whenever i was hurt, believing that it's the requital for my bad behaviors. No matter what i do, it's not that easy to get over with.
It's my birthday today. I always add another year in advance, but today, i'm officially 38. I humbly apologise for my past wrongdoings. I'm tired of having so much flaws. I know it has affected my life in many ways. I hope not to hurt anyone anymore. I still hope to become a better person. Please help me to become one.
