blame it on the weather

Ada masanya, kita rasa kita buat apa yang betul. At least we think that's the right thing to do at that particular moment. Then, after a while or sometimes days..or months after baru kita sedar yang 'owhhh damn it!...i shouldn't have done that..!! ...and it's too late by then. I sometimes experience that kind of thing. Kadang terlepas cakap. Maklum la..mulut laju je kan. Kadang terlepas perbuatan. Tangan pun kadang tu susah nak control jugak. We do things uncontrollably. Tak ter'control' oleh akal and hati kita but controlled by kepala kita yang most of the time dikawal pulak oleh syaitan.


I'm not the type yang akan rasa menyesal. Ada la kekadang tu rasa macam sikit2 menyesal like 'kenapa la aku beli beg bodoh ni...patut beli la coach ke apa...' cewahhh...contohhh! something like that. But i've never really regretted over something so badly. No matter how huge the mess i've made. I tak menyesal pun spent 8 years at the old company who treated me as if without diorang bagi gaji i boleh mati kebuluran. Without the experience, i mungkin jadi orang yang tak reti hidup susah sekarang ni. I've never regretted any decision i've made, mainly because i truly believe that whatever happened is all fated to me. They are all qada' and qadar. I choose to go with the flow.


I sometimes wonder if i am being too nice to certain people; but at the same time i treat others badly. ok..i tak la teruk sangat kot. Takde la sampai jeling orang sampai nak juling or pukul orang tak tentu pasal; but i admit that i am being unfair or buat2 tak layan to certain people. I do have that guilt; especially when that person cuba jugak nak berbaik2 macam tolong bagi sudu whatever...hahaha. Siapa la tu kan? I have that tendency or capability to ignore people. I hate it but kekadang benda tu memang tak boleh control...alasan kan. Adakah i seumpama kacang lupakan kulit? Yesterday i called a friend, whom i've been ignoring sekarang ni sebab i simply feel bored of that person (boleh??). I memang teruk kan. I called sebab i felt guilty, itu je...not because i suddenly dah dapat cahaya kesedaran and rasa berdosa whatsoever. Did i feel better after that call? Nope. Well, just a little bit, rasa la kurang bersalah sikit. But, it didn't change a bit of my sifat kacang lupakan kulit tu. I masih ada rasa tak puashati or dalam bahasa yang betul2nya; mengutuk dalam hati. Maybe i should think of all the nice things, how things were good before, how nice i've been treated all this while and bla..bla. Did i change? or did the other party change? or actually, neither of us did? i choose to wait and see.


Maybe at that particular time, everything seems just right for us. Tetiba sekarang; dengan perubahan cuaca kekadang panas, kekadang hujan; belum masuk bab banjir kat mana2; ombak pulak tinggi...maybe, maybe it changes the mood. My mood sebenarnya. I don't blame orang lain. It's me, i know. Shall i 'unfriend' this person? No. Definitely not by me. I ni dah la tak ramai kawan. I've decided to stay or shall i rephrase.. at this moment i shall pretend; to be the same person i've been before as much and as long as i could. Time will decide how things will be in the future. i hope for the best; whatever it may be.